Yesterday went better for me. I went to campus w/ the intention of reading but Kristen called me up and asked if I'd eat lunch w/ her. Eventually I ended up walking around with her from EU III, to Mrak, to PES to see all her advisors b/c shes changing majors. I'm really proud of her in the step shes taking and I'm happy that shes majoring in something shes passionate about. I think thats the key to a successful future because if you study something you dont like....then whats the point. I have friends who are studying things just for the income of the future job, I think thats stupid. Well those are highschool friends, no one in Davis sounds that odd. So then we met Aubree on campus and bumped into Mary Beth. Its always nice to bump into people you know. After going home and sitting around for an hour or two I went to the scavenger hunt with Kristen and got to see what Alpah Phi Omega is like and also met some people. I'm glad that shes meeting people and having fun like she wants, but that group just isnt for me. Its so cliqueish and everyone seems very touchy feely....sorta like Kevin was freshman year (no offense to him). I dunno, thats just not me. But I guess if theyre really good friends then they would hug eachother and slap eachother on the butt or twirl eachother around. Then we came home and played games til 3am with Aubree and Mary Beth. I always enjoy a good game, which are very infrequent nowadays. Well we shall have to see what today holds for me. Its thankgiving weekend next week, but everyones going home for the 4/5 day weekend. With the exception of me of course whose parents decided theyd spend Thanskgiving in Thailand. I probably should use that time to catch up on reading which I've managed to fall behind quite badly these past two weeks. And after that its only two more weeks left til finals, and then X-mas and the New Year and of course winter quarter. I can only hope for better for winter quarter.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 12:03 PM

So after feeling rather down and upset last night I had a talk online that brought my hopes up. Kristen really wanted to know why I'm so down all the time, but I just dont want to tell her b/c I feel that if I do then nothing will improve. I want to tell her but I dont. I fight the urge daily and I no longer know what to do with my thoughts. I hate being in this trashy position it really hurts me. Mentally I'm slowly degrading, emotionally I'm a wreck. I hate not being able to write what I completely fear due to fear that this will be read by someone and then the bad news spreads and instead of solving the problem it'll only be worse. Today I told myself I'm not going back to the apartment after class. I just couldnt bare it. In between classes I went to make an appt for a haircut and the barber told me he'd cut my hair and let me pay him later whenever I wanted. That really opened my eyes and made my day. The guys so kick back and trustworthy...it just made me happy that someone thought of me so highly, that hasnt happened in a while. Of course I went to the back and paid him within 30 minutes but somehow his action of trust just brought somehappiness into my day. So after listening to the usual Holocaust talk in His 142A I decided that I would go find a nice sunny patch of grass in the arboretum and just read. So I did that for an hour and a half. Biked back home and on the way learned that Kristen slept through class and didnt turn in her homework, which I offered to turn in for her. Getting home around 5ish I felt like I didnt totally waste my day at home. Kristen decided to watch a movie and eat dinner with Aubree and Stacey so another day passed by where Ive barely talked to her, a growing theme of this quarter. I dunno what to feel. I often go to bed telling myself that I shouldnt think sad thoughts before bed and that tomorrow will be more promising... but I still think what I think and cant hope but go to sleep depressed, only to wake up and face another day. I realize that nothing will change unless I confront my problem but that is what I fear most, for I have a feeling that once I confront it, everything will simply go downhill on me, lowering me into an even greater depression. Maybe its courage I need...or a heart I have too much of, either way its messing with my brain. Im just so physically worn out and tired by all of this. I keep thinking the problem will just fix itself given time...either things will change with me (I'll just learn to accept what is now going on as how it is going to be always) or things will change on the other side... somehow I highly doubt thatll happen but how do I confront a problem thats dragging me down emotionally, when I fear that by confronting it I will only fall lower. There is no solution to this...thats just the simple way I see it. Or rather, the solution is that I maintain this state of sadness and emptiness in the hopes that the problem will just go away (as I mentioned above). Ugh whats to do...?

Emil's thoughts took float @ 1:01 AM

You know what the saddest part of this add is...I dont even write the complete truth because I fear that the people Id talk about would read this and then my situation would get only worse. Of course what I wrote in my last post was all true, but the question is to what degree. I find myself depressed more often than not this quarter. I look forward to Winter quarter becaue with four or five classes I'll have a full workload to keep me busy so I wont be able to sit around idly like I have been this quarter. Although thats not necessarily bad, for due to my idleness I've managed to read the whole Chronicles of Narnia in the past two weeks, thats like 1500+ pages. I really liked it and am really glad that Kristen got it for me. Although that did little to make me happier. Sure it killed a lot of time and did distract me for many hours, but after I was done reading my thoughts always came back into my head. I can't simply kick them out. I dont know what to do w/ them anymore and its starting to get to me to a greater extent. In highschool I use to have atleast one person I could always talk to, but after I shared my problems w/ them they got sick after a while and stopped talking to me. Or in other cases I felt like they knew too much about me and I distanced myself from them. It was well known among many of my friends in high school that I bottled my emotions because I found that as the easiest way to solve all my problems. All of my emotions....love, hate, jealousy, sometimes happiness, and sadnesss. I knew that one day I would snap and it would all come out in some bad mixture. Recently I've been letting out these emotions more or less but only to myself, when no ones around. Not because I dont necessarily have anyone to talk to (which I kinda feel I dont) but more or less because I dont feel like I can talk to anyone. I suppose that is the same thing in some sense... I'm all out of tears, I want to cry but I cant. Maybe its time I revert back to bottling the emotions. It sure seems like I'm not using any of them anymore. I feel like I need someone to talk to, but I just dont know who. I've never been close with my brothers, they just think I'm some nerd... I limit what I tell my parents and I dont know why... I rarely talk to any of my highschool friends but thats because theres so little that we have in common now... My highschool friends at Davis even lead their own lives now... My group of friends in Davis is another story, I simply dont know to regard them other than as friends. I suppose my strongest friends are the only ones I really talk to because anyone who knows me knows that I only form friendships with people I trust, feel comfortable around, and feel like I can rely on in the future. Therefore I stick to who I know I can trust and will always be a good friend. Stacey Lillian and LJ were always good friends and I had a strong bond w/ them all (perhaps due to the twin thing). Friction between those three kinda bothered me and it distanced me from LJ, not by my choice. Andie and Ben were always good friends, although they fall into different catagories of friend, they both are now Newmanites and it seems like they dont have time for anyone who isn't Newman. Kevin has always been a good friend, and probably one of the people I've grown to trust the most recently. Nicole was a very good friend freshman year but somehow we've drifted apart, I suppose MUN has taken over her life, like Newman is for Ben and Andie. Aubree is another friend who I have always relied on, but she simply has other passions hobbies and jobs. And then there is Kristen, who is more than a friend to me in my eyes, probably b/c shes my girlfriend. However shes too busy to spend time with me this quarter. I have such a heavy load on my heart and its just dragging me down.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 9:26 PM